Did I really Hear God?

One of the things I struggled with and I am sure many of you have also, is first listening for Gods response, but also knowing for sure what you hear or see is from God. So I look for validation in what I hear, see or feel. So last night at church, the message was literally, hearing from God. Now I started notes earlier yesterday preparing for this blog. Last night God turned my attention from a really tough moment in my life and told me He was listening to me. He validated this blog and what I am writing, through that message from the Pastor. He knew my heart was hurting and he used the message to let me know, I have His attention. I Love our God. He is so understanding and faithful.

So in yesterdays blog, I wrote that God led me to extend an offer to go to counseling with me and either she would respond positively or not. Well she did not answer the request yet but she did advise me she was leaning toward divorce. Now I do not pretend to know what God is speaking to her. That is between her and God. I can only say, that God has shown me on several occasions that our marriage will be restored. How did he reveal this and how do I know so positively in this matter? Today I will share the different ways God has not only spoke or showed me things but how he might be speaking to you.

First let me borrow a few tidbits of solid advice given to me from the sermon last night and a few other resources.  When we listen for Gods response in can come in many forms, however we must be very careful to not be persuaded by outside influences, i.e., people (friends & family), radio, social media, tv, etc....Now with that said, I get some of my best validation through some of these sources but in most every case, scripture has already spoken to me and shown me Gods decision on the matter. The flesh for some reason doesn't always agree with the heart and can take things on faith, so at times we need some other form of validation or reinforcement. You also want to be careful not to be the man who missed the truck, boat and helicopter either.

God can speak in a few ways: constantly being reminded of something through thought, circumstances or even other peoples actions or words, through dreams and visions and  through scripture. Now remember the Holy Spirit must be invoked in you or you will be deaf to His word and all of this will mean nothing. So how do I know my marriage will be restored? First when i started researching forgiveness, hope, faith, marriage, husband, wife, etc.. in the scripture. The very first verse i came across was Malachi 2:16, "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel. Before and during this time I was praying that God protect my family, even from me if it came to that. I never wanted to hurt them again. So I prayed that if my marriage was not meant to be, for Him not to even let it move in that direction. Well everywhere I am being validate by this scripture. Then things started happening. We were surrounded by Christian people who had all restored their marriages through Christ. We were being supported and lifted up from every angle and direction. For a few months this continued. During this time, I had a dream (vision), vivid as any I have ever had that my marriage was not only restored. But is was so powerfully strong. Starting the next day, the validations came. Even on Sunday the message delivered by the pastor had a verbatim statement that was in my dream. The radio had another, the scripture that I was being led to was all in support of this dream or vision. After a few months, we had made tremendous headway, I could feel the enemy creeping in. He saw the power working in our home, I prayed harder and harder, pouring into my family, pouring into my wife and marriage. One by one he was gaining strength through deception and turning my wife's hurt to hatred and anger. God is still speaking to me even today. He assures me to stand firm and I will weather this storm. God shows me her heart through the hurt and confusion. In His supernatural way he is allowing me to see that she still Loves me. I am blessed as before I would only be able to see the hurt on the surface level which my reaction to that would invite the enemy. However, we will be victorious in this marriage and Satan, well I have a few words for him (Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the thoughts and plans that I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you hope in your final outcome.). I will not go away quietly or back down. I will not give up and I know one day he will have to let go, because my God will force him to. Until that day I am to wait patiently. Now some of you will say the Bible it allows divorce for adultery, as a choice. Be careful of that trap too, there are many many more scriptures to support God wanting you to stay married then the select few on why you can divorce. Notice this next statement, choose wisely and remember to ask not just yourself, but impartial Christians could weigh in also using Gods word to help you heal. You will not heal just because you divorce and divorce is a choice not the requirement.

Gods voice is a powerful thing, as in the past I would have walked away and been part of that choice. In the past I would have caved on many occasions to the worldly response and let Satan win. I refuse, as should you. Stand for what you believe. Be still and listen for God to speak to your heart. If you do, the Holy Spirit will come to you. It may only be a whisper, but you will hear it (1 Kings 19:12-13 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.). It will never be a message of death, only life so do not be fooled or tricked. 2 Corinthians 11:14“…for even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.” Jesus tells us his essence, John 8:44 “’He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.’” 

God want us to hear him, He wants you to feel his Love and forgiveness. Find a quiet place, pray and listen for Gods response. If you do not hear it right then, keep your heart open as he will speak into you and you must be ready. Don't get frustrated, do a little research. That may help you also. Speak to your Pastor, Priest or Minister. No matter what is happening in your life, look to God, listen to God and choose words that's reveal life not death. You may have to step away from some people as they could unwillingly speak poison into your life. Remember pain will not be healed by walking away. You must face it and it will not be easy. It will however be easier with God in your corner speaking life and not the enemy speaking death. I can speak from both sides of that issue.



Lets Pray: Father God, thank you for speaking to us, thank you for guiding us through the hills and valleys of life. Lord we ask that you forgive us of our sins Lord. Jesus we are so thankful your Love is given freely and that you fill our cups until they runneth over. Father, we use this Love to Love those around us. Father we will continue to Love our spouses no matter what the enemy attempts to speak. We know it is him rearing his head and speaking of darkness and death. Lord we ask that your Holy Spirit speaks into our spouses hearts directly Lord. Let them see our hearts and know we are standing here filled with the Love of our Father. We will not be persuaded by the enemy. We will not let the poisons infect our flesh. We will listen to you God and heed your words. Father I give it all to you. I give you my family, my life and my praise as I know you will take care of them. And Father I know if you find me worthy you will return them to me as you have shown me in my vision. Father you can see in our hearts, Lord show our hearts to those around us who need the life injected back into them. Father we do not pretend to know your plan, however we know all through the scriptures you speak of Love above all else. Father use our Love to reunite the ones we Love with us in marriage. Restore those we have mistreated, squandered, disrespected, etc...and show them that with you, we will not travel those lonely roads again. That you will protect them. You will heal them while showing them their marriages can work. Just let you work and I know we will stop so many generational curses. Father we cannot do this without you, so please speak to all of us Lord and Father thank you for all that you do in our lives. In Jesus name I pray...AMEN.

Leaps of Faith with God

Everyday we take little leaps of faith, even though we usually don't look at them that way. You get up in the morning and you pray they kids are all healthy, that traffic is uneventful on the way to your employment and that the work day goes by without any major fires to put out. We kinda take these things for granted. What about the major ones? Will I get that promotion that is open? Can we buy this house? Will she marry me? Will he ask? Will my marriage survive this? Does she/he Love me enough to make this work? Will he/she forgive me? Will they divorce me or will God win out? Ahhh...there it is, finally God is mentioned. See most of us go through our days assuming and taking for granted that God is guiding us. But have you asked him? Better yet have you listened for His response? Have you looked to His guidance for that promotion, house, marriage or even to help save your marriage or are you making those decisions and taking for granted that God is with you? As a parent we ask our children to have faith in us that we will not let them get hurt when attempting something new or facing adversity. Well God asks us to do the same thing, and as our Father, to just trust in Him.

I spent most of my life making those decisions, right or wrong, and honestly most of the time not really caring if God was on my side or not. Now the game has a whole new set of rules and guidelines. I do not make a single major decision (and some smaller ones too), without praying and asking for guidance. Tonight I have a question to ask my wife that is a million times more important that when I proposed to her. I have to ask her to join me for counseling to try and save what my decisions have nearly destroyed (Proverbs 3:5, Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.). I have been praying for over a day on how to ask in a Loving and non controlling way and for her to have a favorable response to the question. While trying not to put any pressure on her. You think I can do this the right way? NO, I certainly cannot, however I know God can work through me to do this exactly right. Now I also have to be prepared for a non favorable response. The entire event will be a huge leap of faith. I could come away feeling hope again, that there may be a chance to move forward. Or I could be setting myself up for a disappointing setback. See I believe God is in control no matter what and I also believe he will give me the answer I need at this moment. Its definitely not an easy thing to do, but I have Faith that God has my best interest in mind.

What leap of faith do you need to take? To put down that addiction? God can stop the cravings and triggers. To restore a marriage? God can heal your hearts. To interview for a new job? God will give you the words for the right job for you. Once you know in your heart, He has your best interests in mind. That he Loves you more than any father Loved any child. You can know in your heart that he will not let you down, he will not let you or those around you disappoint each other. How is this a leap of faith? I have been writing for a couple of days, that it is a certainty I will not only let down my wife, but also my peers and my children. I trust that God will not let me do it on a grand scale again and when I make the little mistakes, all those people can easily forgive me and do not get offended. I take that Leap that even though saving my marriage is a battle for life and death, my flesh wants to give in at least weekly by caving to worldly acceptance of defeat, death and divorce. God keeps reminding me, through mentors, dreams, prayer, music, virtually everywhere, that he is in control and no matter her response tonight, my marriage isn't over until he says it is. (Malachi 2:16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel,") I also should clarify that I promised that divorce wasn't an option, so I don't let my inner struggle think of it, my struggle believes i should never stop fighting for my marriage and family, or i would basically be admitting God cannot heal all things. Without God, my flesh would have already quit (1 Corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it."). Honestly, I feel and believe we will be restored and our marriage will be stronger than ever. He has shown me this and no matter what the enemy tries to say or plant, i have turned a blind eye and deaf ear to him. Matthew 16:23, Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

God wants to work miracles in all of us. He Loves to meet our needs and all he asks is obedience and praise. We ask in prayer and he meets that need. We must keep in mind that this will be in His time. We cannot force these things as we will surely mess them up. So every step I have taken of late has been prayed on and scrutinized at each turn. I know he will lead me in the right direction, i am being patient. I know he will reach her, heal her hurt and give her peace. However there is a reason she is questioning our future. God is strengthening her for something. We are all in a storm, so we must have faith that our Father will see us through. That he is preparing us to be blessed. Without the preparation we would squander the blessing which is to come. So by being prepared we can truly see what we have and what God is doing and has done.

Step out, stretch to God, meet Him half way. You will be amazed at his response. Should you start to fall, reach up and he will grab your hand. If you have already fallen he will help you up, brush you off and point you in the right direction again. Our journey is a complex one of mazes, traps and pitfalls. If you choose not to trust in the One True God, then you will surely fall victim to these worldly traps. If you take that leap and trust in him, he will give you the map to traverse the treacherous road. I am so blessed to have found him. I hope you can join me, just step out. Hebrews 10:22, "let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water."

Lets Pray:  Father God, we come to you first of all asking for you to forgive us of our sins. Lord we know we are sinners and are not perfect, yet we want to walk in the light. Lord without you this is not possible. So Jesus we confess our sins to you and ask for your forgiveness. Father we want to have faith. As you tell us in James 1:6, "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." Father we don't want to be tossed around by the wind any longer. Father we want to step out. We want to stretch to you in faith and ask you to meet us half way on whatever trouble we are facing. Lord there may be addictions to be removed. Lord we trust you will heal them. Lord there may be financial issues that need addressing. Lord we know you can multiply anything, so please resolve those. Lord we know there are many others with marriage issues out there. God, as in my case, I ask that the spiritual leaders out there step out and take back their places in the homes. Ask God to help you win you wives and families back and guide the families in the direction God wants them to be. Father help these men do this. God, be with the wives as they too need spiritual miracles and the belief Father that if they take that leap to you, that you will heal them, restore their marriages stronger than ever and feel Love they never could dreamed of, God we know you can do this as you are my God. I am so blessed to know you and that you sent your son to bear my horrible sins. Father thank you, for sacrificing what most of us never could. Father be with each person as they take that leap and Lord help them find the courage to reach to you. It will change everything in their lives and Lord thank you for changing mine. In Jesus name....AMEN.

You are Not Alone

This week has been filled with wonderful things in my life. One of the greatest has been other men reaching out to me to confess their sins or sharing their stories.(James 5:16, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.")  I too shared mine with them and as I found in the past, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted. The power of the sin is diminished and freedom takes over. Gods’ gifts and promises are being fulfilled.

It doesn't matter what you are going through or what you are feeling, I promise there are others out there who share your exact issues. As a Christian I am open to hear out my brothers in Christ and pray with them. As they are there for me too. This is something we should do freely and without judgment while only showing our Love in return. The biggest opposition to doing this is ourselves. Allowing the enemy to enter our thoughts and tell us we can't share these things. If we did no one would understand, care or even Love us, for how could they when we have done something so terrible. Well brother let me tell you, this is called shame and guilt. If you let the enemy continue that stronghold, it will only get worse, as will the sin. You will end up in a deep dark hole with no apparent way out. I was fortunate in a way. God found me, broken, ashamed, alone and abandoned in a jail cell. Now don't get me wrong, my actions absolutely landed me there. But had I heeded the preceding warning, it could and I believe would have, been very different. I just needed to take that first step and stop listening to the Devil.

You may or may not be walking with God when having these issues. This happens to believers and unbelievers alike. If you are an unbeliever, well I feel you need to reach out, not tomorrow, not after dinner, NOW. It is that important. If you are a believer, you may need to follow the same advice.  Prayer alone probably isn't bringing the solution or satisfaction to your problems or issues. Now remember, it is important that you reach out to Christian brothers and sisters. That way they can sew into you and plant seeds of healing and growth, using Biblical principles and faith. A Pastor, Minister or Priest can help you find mentors also. The last thing you need in your life right now is condemnation, judgment or poison being spoken to you. This is a pivotal time in which you need God to lift you up and deliver you and He will do this mostly by using those he surrounds you with. Now I'm not saying this will be easy, I am saying will be a whole lot easier than the alternative (i.e. divorce, separation, job loss, losing your children, etc..). You will need to be open and honest, not just with yourself but with those surrounding you. If you’re a couple, then you will need the same for support. There will be times when you as a husband or wife will need that one on one with your brethren and then times will call for couple to couple. Just be sure to not shut your spouse out of this process. Eventually she/he will need to share in the healing process and you will find they will most likely be a willing participant.

This will be one of the toughest things you will ever do. I know, as it was for me. Now I can share my story almost anytime. I couldn't share with my wife, mother, father, friends, no one. I didn't even know how to start let alone discuss my issues. I was everyone's rock yet had none of my own to lean on, now I only have to pick up my phone and I will be surrounded by many rocks of support. All breathing life into me. Not that I am proud of my past, but I know the story has power and may help others to not share my same fate. That is the reason for this blog. (Genesis 12:2,"I will bless you, and you will be a blessing to others.) It allows you the reader to read about serious life issues and connect with them in some way. So you know you are not alone and that with God, you can get through it and be healed. You must give God the opportunity to work on it though. Otherwise the end result is on you and your choice got you there. Not the offense, the pain, the issue, problem, disease, etc....it's all in the choice. Either you can let God restore, recover or lift up the issue(s), or suffer by choosing to carry the pain by choice. God can and will heal you, your marriage and your relationships. God can and will restore you, your marriage and your relationships. Just lift the issues up, allow God to work and give Him time. Allow him to inject his emissaries in your path and breathe life back into you and your loved ones.

Let’s Pray: Father, thank you for letting me share these words. Please help them find their purpose in those who need them. Lord help those suffering needlessly as all they need is You and Your word Lord. Jesus we pray that You allow us to be open as Christians to those around us. Father we ask you show us how to serve others and promote your kingdom. God please let those who are struggling, find wisdom in your Word and even this blog. Lord we thank you for all that you do and your unconditional Love. Father we as children need you and all that you offer us. We also need support from those around us, Lord allow those who Love us to step up, see the role they play and follow you in pursuing the role. Father I know that standing up and reaching out is one of the most difficult things ever to do. We feel like no one could possibly understand. Lord I know now this is not the case. Lord I pray that the husbands and wives lift each other up no matter what they are facing. Father I ask for you to intercede in the thoughts of divorce out there and show them you are there and can help if they just trust. We know you are all powerful and yet our flesh and the enemy wants us to believe different. God there are many who need your shield around them and a double dose of the Holy Spirit. Father please provide that and Father thank you for those who not only shared this week, but those who listen. Lord please convict the hearts of those who need to share, to stop them in the path they are traveling down. Lord allow them to see there is a better way and not only understanding but Love waiting for them. In You all is possible, Thank you Father God for all that you have done, all that you do and all that you will do. In Jesus name we pray....Amen.

Choosing Forgiveness in Marriage

Mat 6:14-15, "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But, if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Easier said then done right? As Christians we are expected to forgive, however the flesh doesn't want to do that. But remember forgiving isn't forgetting. With marriage this is very tricky as in most cases one or both parties are extremely hurt by whatever offense. Maybe even to the point of seeking divorce. We know the Bible gives us two reasons to divorce, yet most Christians believe in the all healing power of God and trust He will heal their marriage. As you have read, I and my wife, have walked away in the past from marriages, not walking with God made that easy. Yet instead of giving up, taking the apparent easy path, I am in a holding pattern standing firm in the storm and taking the beating i deserve. Its the toughest thing I have ever done in my life. Today God placed it on my heart to explore a few things about forgiveness, I feel are important, yet lost in the ideas or perceptions.

Marriage Missions International (a Christian based site) states the following: “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.” “If you decide to forgive your spouse, you can never use their sin against them. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish them, and keep their wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, you probably won't stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce, but you don’t have to. It is your decision." Heb 8:12, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."

Wow...that is profound, and I feel accurate. See my wife has spoke the words of forgiveness, yet she is still in the stages of forgiving. When we hurt someone bad enough, the flesh allows us to harbor that pain and sometimes  use the offense against us. I wait patiently for God to work his miracles and I pray my wifes heart softens to Him. Of course the enemy does not want this, because that means God wins again and remember Satan's goal is death and destruction, not life. We are surrounded by good Christian families who have experienced pain, as we are now, and they survived it. They give witness to Gods power and this will help breathe life into our marriage if we let them. For me to forgive her for her transgressions seemed much easier, only because what I went through forced me to see what I really do have and in my mind I truly lost it all and God gave it back after prayer. I don't pretend to know what her perspective is and she has not really shared it to this point.

So what about the trust? Well as failures and sinners, we will disappoint our spouses over and over. John Bevere in "The Bait of Satan" states, that our spouses, as they are closest to us and we tend to hold them to a higher expectation, then say a peer, can offend us more often and much deeper. This is not the way it should be as our expectations of everyone around us should be the same, no matter how close to us they are. Yesterday I wrote about the fact I will fail, it is a certainty. So I have to trust in God, much as she will have to learn to, that He will not allow her to hurt me again and she must do the same. See we will disappoint each other, relying just on the flesh. But with Jesus showing us the way, we can Love much deeper as our guide through life is perfect and as long as we trust in Him, our journey will be much smoother and fulfilling.

Forgiveness is the first step. You must believe that God will heal you and He is in control. He wants your marriage to succeed. He surrounds you with like minded Christians who have vested interests in you as a couple. Be very careful of the people who will speak poison into your life. Now these are not bad people, they just may have other motivations for their words other than scriptural or Godly advice. They may be getting divorced, had a recent bad relationship, or even some other sort of suffering. Our families are also dangerous in these situations as they will undoubtedly have an interest in our healing and not that of the marriage. They mean well but are not always the best counselors. Counselors are just that, they give advice, they are not always in the full understanding of the situation as they are often hearing one side not both. So heed their advice, but I would also seek other Christian mentoring advice to make sure you are making the wisest decisions. If they all agree for the most part and scripture backs what has been said, then its a safe bet to go that route. If not maybe more prayer is needed before making that decision or statement.

We must all be very careful here in understanding that God has a plan. We will not be able to manipulate that plan in any way. They only thing we will do is cause more pain, for ourselves and for others. Now God did give us free will. So we must seek His council before making any decisions.  Seek his voice and input on the subject. He can heal, he can help, you must be willing to not only let go, but to open up to Him. He sends us help in the form of others at times, so open up to them in His stead. Remember the man who passed on the truck, the boat and the helicopter during the floods. His comment was God will save me to his rescuers. God said what else did you want me to do, I sent a truck, boat and helicopter. We should keep our hearts and minds open for his help. He is trying but we have to be ready.

"The Love Dare" speaks of a set of decisions you must make before even addressing the recovery. You must decide your ground rules. For instance, mine was to pray about every decision, never speak of divorce as it is not an option, never allow myself to be offended by being reminded of my own actions, and to do whatever it takes to save my marriage and family. Eph 4:26-27,31, "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." I have certain areas I will not allow myself to entertain  as the end result is does not align with my goal. Remember its not how we run the race but how we finish. We want that to be in Gods favor. My wife Loves me, there is no doubt, she is just struggling with the hurt and pain, bottling it up until she expresses it in anger and disgust. I however have made myself speak regularly with brothers in Christ (something very hard for me and new) to try and take the power away from the offense. To help me not to be bitter, not to anger and to choose life, Love and marriage. One very helpful tool, was when a brother told me to pretend I was talking to the Father when speaking to my wife.That way my tone is of Love and my words are of affection.  I know God wants us to save this marriage. It has been revealed to me in many ways since my release. I just pray that the spiritual side overcomes the fleshly side of my wife so she too may see what God is speaking.

Now I revealed quite a bit here about my perspective of what is happening and what I am facing in my relationship and some of the things i have discovered along this journey. I am not a counselor and I know each of you will be dealing with different issues. I just hope this can help you with understanding your not alone and the need to surround yourselves with Godly people that have vested interests in your marriage. Read anything you can get your hands on that may assist in your healing. However I truly feel getting connected helps more than anything, as you both can see your not alone and God can heal. No offense (sin) is greater than the other, as they are just Sin in the eyes of God. (James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one [point], he is guilty of all.") Remember, we are all sinners and we will fail, but with Jesus Christ in your hearts, the enemy has no chance in stopping the restoration of your marriage or relationship. Anything to the contrary is the enemy speaking to you and not of God. Gods purpose for us is to Love, not to divorce and to lead a life filled with the Holy Spirit.

Lets pray: Heavenly Father, please forgive all of us for our transgressions and help those we have offended truly forgive us also. Jesus help us follow the path of your father design. Help us see that forgiveness not only strengthens our relationship with you, but with our spouse. God give us the strength to forgive not only those we offended or offended us, but ourselves. Sometimes this is the hardest area to forgive. Lord we know that you created us to Love, that you do not want divorce, Lord we ask you give us the strength and fortitude to be resolute in our journey to restore our marriages. We know this is what your will is Lord. We ask that you surround us with like minded Christians who believe in your healing power and that you work through them to heal this relationship. 
Father God I have a special prayer for my friend J today. His father in law is struggling with addiction and now separated from his wife. Lord reach down and give J the strength to speak to his father in law and let him know he is loved. Let him know that as the leader (husband, father, grandfather) that all eyes are on him at this moment. Only to see his response in his failure as these eyes will be learning from his choices right now. They Love him no mater what but Lord give him the strength to shake off this affliction, resurrect his marriage and retake his place as spiritual leader in that family. Father I know the whole family is suffering and J is being called to take a huge step by speaking to his father in law. But i know with you he will be victorious. Then surround his father in law with Godly servants to keep him strong and allow healing in that family. God thank you for all that you do in our lives and the many undeserved blessing you rain down upon us. God I will continue to strive to walk in the path you have laid before me and I only hope I can serve you to help others find you.....AMEN

Leading our Children by Example

The title says children, however I think these principles can apply in our everyday life. We can use these when leading our families, our friends and even our employees. I believe it is important that when we lead we keep in mind, that the eyes on us will see us succeed as well as fail. This is as important as the methods we use as when we succeed we shine and praise God. However we must also rise up and praise God in failure as well. Those looking to us, need to see the rising up even more than the shining. We all will fail, over and over. 

Pastor Paul DeJong of New Zealand’s Life Church said, “We must look at failure as my friend, as failure is a human certainty.”   James 3:2, “For we all stumble in many ways.” He also suggests for us to remember that failure only exists in the present and this also increases our wisdom (2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.”) Remembering that failure only succeeds when you don’t make an attempt.

When leading or teaching by example, I believe that we should be very careful not to give up too easily. Those looking to us, especially our children can be so easily influenced by these decisions for many years to come. We may look at not finishing painting the house as we are too busy. However a child will relate that in cleaning their room. “Well you didn’t finish painting the house, so why should I clean under my bed?” What about divorce? Are we showing our children that God truly cannot heal all things, i.e. our hearts, hurts, pains, etc..when we divorce? They may grow up Loving and believing in God, but we have planted that tiny seed of doubt, that maybe, just maybe God is not all powerful, allowing that little hole for the enemy to work his way into their lives. What about that project at work that we either failed to meet the deadline or just botched? Do we blame it on other people or reasons or do we step up, say we are sorry and ask for help in completing or correcting? All too often our worldly ways take over instead of our scriptural side.  So we must be vigilant both in our actions and our decisions as they could have long standing consequences if we follow our choices and not the direction of God. 

Don’t get me wrong, we will fail, it’s in our nature. Let’s look at me for a minute. For over 40 years, I stumbled along as a convenient Christian. I made lots of mistakes and errors along the way. Several issues I never really addressed or used to make a difference in my future choices. Now I am forced to see all the destruction I have left in my path. Now I am forced to look at every decision I make on a daily basis. Now I am forced to be accountable and I am trying daily to address everything as Jesus would expect me to. I still am struggling and falling down. The difference is now I have God to pick me back up. Our Father knows I am stumbling and he cares for me. My children know I went to jail. I addressed that as making very poor choices and they understood this. They have seen many of my mistakes in life. So they too see that I am now leading differently by letting God direct me. My decisions have landed me in the mess I am in today, yet God is making differences in me daily, planting new seeds of life, not death.  As a husband and a father I have failed miserably in the past. Now I am learning humbly how to be that husband and father God asked me to be. I believe that my children are seeing the difference in me and looking for my next failure to see how I respond to it. They see I am not perfect, yet they Love me anyway. Yet our Father is perfect, so it makes Him even easier to Love. 

You will fail, you will fall, and you will sin.....WOW! That is a hard thing to wrap your head around. But it's the stone cold truth. Now this isn't a pass using the "well I'm a failure anyway" attitude. No it's just a principle that once we accept that are all of these things, we can expect them and learn each time, using God to protect us and guiding us through all of the enemies’ traps he has placed throughout our journey. God will win, He will not fail you or abandon you. Remember the story of Peter, when God told Satan that he will let Peter be tested? Do you remember that God told Peter, I will be waiting at the end of the test with open arms. Do you not think God knew that was coming and unknown to Peter, prepared him for the test? I am reminded of my sons first really important baseball game. He was pitching against a top tested team. He took the mound and the first batter came up. He walked him. The second batter came up, he too walked. Then the third. My son looked to the stands to find me and with my hands I motioned, calm down. With my mouth I whispered "just play the game", something I spoke to him all the time. He walked around another minute or so, and then as if a slap in the back of the head, he looked at me with an almost too confident smile. My response is simply "uh-oh", now I am truly worried. They next pitch hissed as it flew in for the strike. Now the batter is shaken. Never hearing or seeing a ball do that before his coach now springs into action to calm him. The next three batters were all strike outs and they were filled with fear. As the game went on the batters no longer feared the pitches and went on to win the game. But as a father helping my son find his confidence in his time need made me feel proud. God too wants to be proud of us. Like my son to me, we have to look to the stands for him and trust, he knows what to say or do. 

Jesus lead by example, His entire existence on this planet was to teach us through His actions and parables. We are blessed to have the Bible to read and clergy to teach us today. We must remember to look to the stands when we lose focus and remember, we can succeed if we stick to the principles that have been laid out before us. I often hear it’s not how we run the race but how we finish. I think the race becomes easier if we are given the proper tools and shown the correct way. So let’s step up, at home, work, church, small groups or even in public and lead by example.

Lets pray: Father God, please hear our prayers as we need your wisdom. Lord we ask that first you forgive us for our sins. You tell us we will fail and like any father you want to forgive us and help us learn from these mistakes, so that we may teach our children.  Father help us stretch to you, not only in times of need, but in times of decision. Lord reach down and remove the doubt of your power out of the hearts of man. Lord restore hope in all those suffering so that they can see your true almighty power. Father help us be fathers after your own heart. Help us mold our children in the ways of Jesus. Lord help us be better examples to those around us. So our co-workers, peers or brothers in Christ may see that bright light shining in us through success or failure and know that is the Holy Spirit guiding our lives. Father know you are waiting after the tests as in Luke 22. Father we pray that you continue to prepare us for what is to come, and we will receive your teaching with open hearts and minds, so that we may pass them on. Father please help us find the strength to get up, brush ourselves off and move forward. Jesus we yearn after your knowledge so that we may walk in the light. Lord we wish to arm our children for the battles to come, so that they may be prepared for the failure that will come and the successes to follow. God thank you for your Love and knowledge you continue to bless us with. In Jesus name we pray...Amen.

Fellowship, What does it mean?

Matthew 18:20, For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them." Fellowship, the Greek translation of “koinonia,”or "to hold something in common." I believe we could define it as "a relationship of inner unity among believers that expresses itself in outer co-participation with Christ and one another in accomplishing God’s will on earth." In other words sharing time with fellow Christians so that we may lean, stretch, confess or just share with others who think and feel as we do. Jesus gathered to share many meals throughout the scripture (Acts 2:42, "They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer."). He believed in fellowship as much then as we should today.

When we gather together as Christians, we have fellowship. This is very important for us as Christians. Surrounding ourselves with others of the same beliefs. For me, my male Christian friends all have a vested interest in not just me, they want the best for my family and my relationship with God. During fellowship we share, study, eat, lift up, confess, confide, lean on, mentor, praise, comfort, check, etc.. each other . That is our role as Christian brothers. I really appreciate the role each plays in my life and only hope that my role to them is as important. They will let me know if I am out of bounds or not, lift me up when I fall down and help me in my daily walk with Christ. They pray with and for me. They are definitely spiritual warriors guarding my flanks. We laugh, cry and address the serious issues when needed.

As married Christians we should also fellowship as couples (Philippians 2:1-2, "Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose."). We should surround ourselves with those who are walking our same walk. Not necessarily the exact circumstances, but those on the same path with Christ. We tend to not pay attention to these details, however they are very important. The influences on our paths are so easily influenced, that our company we keep can make or break us. For instance, if we hang out with party animals, we will probably end up following the lifestyle ourselves. If we share time with other Christians, then our actions and behaviors tend to be of good moral character.

When our relationships, either with family or God, are losing stability we cannot afford to allow the other influences to effect our future as the enemy lies in wait in these influences. For instance, being separated I could surround myself with just my family and other friends who have a single vested interest....me. Not my family, as they may care for them, they know and Love me. So they will, in their own way attempt to lift me up, even if it is not Christ like. They may suggest to grab a beer or worse even the possibility of divorce. Where my Christian friends have a vested interest in our family intact. They pray we are restored by the power of Christ. Their common goal is to support us both through the process and speak the Holy Spirit into us. Even my situation legally, they know the details, yet they lift up a positive solution and turn my heart to God for a positive outcome. We cannot be drawn into, especially in our vulnerable states, the hidden pitfalls of being confidants to others who are struggling without God. They can speak negative thoughts into us which begins to multiply like a virus. This allows the Devil to breed discontent and hate into our hearts, instead of Love and forgiveness.So be careful of this poison.

Today, while my wife traveled to meet a friend of hers and go camping for the night, I spent the day with three brothers in Christ. They day wasn't filled with intense study or prayer or even deep thoughts. Just good food, sharing of ideals and issues and the lifting of each other. I came away filled with Love and respect for these three men as God moved through us today filling our hearts with Love and compassion. I thank God for the chance to be part of that gathering as it was inspiring. God used them to fill my cup until it overflowed. He used them to take my mind off all the other woes in life right now. He used them to pull me in tight and know remind me, I am not alone. So to the three men I shared the day with, Thank You and I know God has huge plans for all of you. You are all anointed in ways that I can only hope to mirror one day. 

Lets pray: Father God, Thank you for all of the Christians you place in our lives and the opportunities to fellowship with them and with You. Thank you for using the fellowship to influence my life and that of my family in a positive manner. Lord thank you for the Love you continue to inject into my heart and soul. You have a plan and I know that plan will be a blessing , not just in my life but those around me. Lord I pray that we make choices that are Christ like from this day forth. That we surround ourselves with Your faithful followers and that we share You as the common bond and thread. I pray you use all of those brethren to fill the hearts of each other so that they may feel the Holy Spirit move in their lives. I pray that Satan loses all footholds who follow you and my family also. Jesus I ask you remove those who may speak evil or discontent in our lives and Lord that you wash away all doubts and negative thoughts that may be brewing in hearts today. That you replace those with uplifting feelings of restoration and success while surrounding us with Godly people speaking Your word and teachings. Father we know you only want good in our lives, and we are willing to not only serve you and the Kingdom, but to serve our fellow Christians as we are called to do. Thank you for the miracles you work in all of us and we pray for the ones to come. God thank you for all you do in our lives, in Jesus name...Amen

Marriage needing a Miracle

Malachi 2:16 "For I hate divorce!" says the LORD, the God of Israel. "To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty," says the LORD of Heaven's Armies. "So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife."

In Malachi 2, God advises us to keep His spirit and allow him to control our lives. When we don't then we struggle with all of the evils around us. Today I am struggling as my wife told me last night that due to my sin, she can't see us moving forward as husband and wife. Clearly this scripture defines that it's not an option. However the enemy is using this as a chance to attack us once again.

So after almost a full night of prayer, I was in my mens prayer group this morning and the book of Daniel was the focus of study. The subject was the power of prayer, how fitting right? Daniel 9:1-14, describes Daniel pleading not for himself but for Israel. To ask God to lift his wrath and show his tender mercies. Well Gabriel told Daniel, God started answering his prayers as soon as Daniel started praying. What a compassionate God we serve. Daniel just stepped up, submitted and before he could even expect and answer God was already working. So this morning, I, like Daniel of old am asking God to show his mercy on my marriage. To calm the mind and heart of my wife, to give her peace, to show her Love abundantly, so she then can find her Love for me once again. Matthew 21:22, ("You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it."), reminds us that we must just believe, then ask God for that which matters most and he will hear and answer. God knows my heart, i have asked in prayer, now i must wait (get out of the way) and let him work.

When we have sinned against not only our God, but those who Love us, the offense cuts deep. God will forgive us, however our Loved ones are a little slow to show their mercies. Meantime if we are not careful we will continue to offend them and destroy all we and God is working for. Our shame and guilt will also be a sharp dagger that continues to hurt us again and again. This time of healing is a slippery slope. See the enemy is going to do all he can do to stop this healing, he doesn't want your marriage healed, as that will anger God if you fail. He doesn't want you to receive forgiveness as this will then place the offended under Gods wrath also. So now Satan wins another battle. The enemy Loves for us to think something is too great for God to solve. He thrives on the words, I can't, I don't think it will work, I'm not sure I can do this, we can't, it hurts too much, the pain is too great, etc...These words give strength to the enemy. STOP....start using words that win, words of praise, words of promise and power, invoke Gods promises, invoke the power of the Kingdom, use prayer which grants you the arsenal of Heaven to accomplish and overcome ANY obstacle in your path.

Marriage without God, is utterly doomed. I am not saying it will fail in every case, but it will be so troubled and difficult that only the fittest will survive. We look around us and when things get tough people just divorce, they worry what other will say if they don't. They don't trust God will get them through. They lack the fortitude to continue fighting, yet all the help they need is a prayer away. He will not overwhelm you, ask for his help. He will reward you in more ways than you can imagine. Ask for what you need and be sure to ask for his forgiveness. We serve a merciful God. He unlike us, can forgive in a moment. We have to process the emotions, etc...Your wishing we could be more like God in these moments, well your not alone. I believe we can, if we just stretch to Him and ask for his help in doing so, he will expedite the healing so we can glorify Him with another praising testimonial to his Glory. So if you haven't prayed today, this week, this month, drop down right now, do not wait another minute. Profess with your mouth our sincere faith and confess your sins. Ask our almighty God for our help and then watch what he does. You will be blessed in ways you never imagined. I am waiting patiently for my blessings. I feel the power of Jesus working and I am letting him have it all.

Lets Pray: Our Heavenly Father, please hear our prayers Lord. Hear our confessions, hear how we profess our Love to you. Hear us as we bear our souls and give them to you Lord. You already know whats in our hearts, your just waiting for us to ask. Lord today we ask, heal those in need, hear all who ask for your mercy, your guidance, your intervention and your healing , Lord. Father we are but a speck in the big picture, but we know you hear each and every prayer. Lord reach down and cover us in the Holy Spirit, guide us to redemption. Restore hearts, relationships, marriages, families and all who are broken. God we worship your almighty power and praise all that you do in our lives. We look forward to one day walking in the streets of Heaven. But Lord right now, today, we ask for your help. We ask that you hear our prayers, use your healing, merciful powers to bring some joy and Love back to this generation. Lord we may not be deserving, yet you sacrificed your son so that we may be saved and earn your blessings and grace. SO Lord cover all those today who are hurting, sick, cant see the light for the darkness. Lord some of the sheep have lost their way and need you to guide them back. Fill their cups abundantly with your Love so they may Love others.Continue to fill our cup so that we can also share Love. Thank you O God for all that you do...Amen.

Matters of the Heart

1 Samuel 16:7 "The Lord looks at the heart." This scripture says everything, He knows everything about us, there is no hiding, deceiving, cheating or even distracting His attention from our hearts. We may hide our sins from those closest to us, however we can't keep anything from Him. But there is good news in this. What is that you ask? Our Lord and Savior Loves us no matter what. No matter our wicked or unhealthy decisions, he knows our hearts and all we have to do is turn to him and he will not only forgive us, but show us the way we should be walking.

As a man I have many things working against me in this world from the beginning. First I am not born knowing Christ, He watches over us until we can make that decision. So what if you grow up in a home where Christ is not part of the daily learning? Not even mentioned? Not having a spiritual mentor or guide growing up is all too common in this world. We are not properly arming our children for the world ahead if we do not give them all the tools to work with. School isn't the only education they should be receiving. Lets face it, they have a tough enough road ahead so why not give them the upper hand.As a father, I will arm my children with God as proof of my love for them.

Second, I am a sinner and my DNA screams with male hormones. We are surrounded by the minute with reminders of sex and lust, throwing our male hormones into overdrive. If you are male reading this you know exactly what I am saying. They are on TV, the internet, magazines, billboards and yes even in the cube next to you at the office. In the cube next to you? Yes, every morning she comes in dressed nice and smelling good and says with an inviting smile "good morning". As a man your mind races. As a Christian man, you stop before you get there. Your wife now comes to mind instead of the women in the cube next door. You have noticed she looks nice, smells good and has a nice personality, but that is as far as it goes. God gave you your wife and she is waiting for you at home. She is the only one that gets the male hormone response from you anymore, because Christ not only expects it, he demands it. The task is no easy, but with God, it can be done. Without Him you do not stand a chance. As a husband, I will lift up my wife as proof of my Love for her.

Lastly, we are controllers. How is this bad you ask? Well if you try to control life without God guiding you, your chances of success are slim and the enemy counts on that. You are an easy target for divorce, offense, addiction, etc...However with God guiding you through all your decisions, your marriage stays intact or is restored, you don't fall victim to offense as easily, and addiction, well I think God is ok with being addicted to Him and your family, I think he is ok with being high on Faith and Life, as those will be the only things you will need and everything else will be provided. You see God should be number one, your spouse number two and your family three. In that order everything falls into place. With God guiding your decisions, it is easier to make the choices that affect your life and the life of your family. I think Romans 8:9 says it all, You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. Yet those who are not believers are controlled by sin. As a Christian, I will praise my God as proof I Love and submit to His will.

So yesterday I let God work, I let him work on my wife and we not only went to church together, but we spent family time together before heading to church. So my faith gave me a tiny victory in the war. I pray daily that the war is short and my family can fight the future battles as together and not divided (Ecclesiastes 4:10  Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work:If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!). When that day comes, when God advises me as he did David, go take back your family from the enemy (1 Samuel 30), I will be the happiest man in the land. My light will be so bright the enemy will run in fear, as God is on my side and my sword will find it's mark if the enemy does not flee. As a faithful man of God, I will be still and listen to Gods direction to show others His power, grace and Love.

To wrap up, God wants us to win, to prosper, to lead, to challenge, to win and to succeed in all we do. We must do it humbly and with his guidance, while remembering to praise Him for all we are in victory or failure. Because he makes us who we are meant to be, if we just let him be in control and we get our power and direction from him. God will work for you, he will not leave you and whether he answers your prayer with a yes or no, it's all in your best interest. His Love is eternal and like any father he only wants the best for us. So remember Love is what he desires for us, so when we Love the world as he Loves us, he is a happy father. I am to Love my wife as I Love myself, without record of wrongs and do so freely. I will never lose sight of this again. Without God I cannot keep this promise, as I Love my wife not from just my own heart, but from the overflowing amount of Love God gives me. It is with the remainder that I Love her so. That is a refreshing feeling.

Lets Pray: Heavenly Father, please grant us with the wisdom to know when you are guiding us. Allow us to be still long enough to hear you. Allow us as men to overcome our DNA and find you, so that we can be leaders of a different feather. We can recognize beauty as just that, a woman and a flower are just the same in our eyes. The only woman that receives our affections is our wives. The only light we look to is yours. Our addictions are You, our families, our Faith and a blessed life. Without you God none of this is possible. We must realize that true happiness is not attainable if you are not present. The happiness and control is opnly surface level and can diminish in a moment, if it isn't of You. Father daily we all struggle with decisions that if we are not careful can be misinterpreted as your wishes. Lord we ask that you make your wishes for us clear and without interference or speculation. Lord look in our hearts, let those around us see them also and God use these pure hearts to grant us the understanding and clarity we need to be leaders for you. Whether this is at home, work or the world, Lord we know you can overcome. Use me to spread your wisdom anyway you see fit. I am not in control Father, but you are. So I ask, control me, help me lead when I am meant to lead and follow when I am to follow. God I am faithful and I am filled with your Holy Spirit. I wish to live for you and praise you for all I am blessed with. So father I ask you to listen to the hearts of men, change those that need changing, heal those that need healing, guide those that need guidance, but Lord please don't give up on us. Thank you Lord for all you and do and in Jesus name I pray...Amen

Standing in the Storm

What does that mean? Well lately along with "get out of the way", my mentors are reminding me to "stand firm" in the storm regarding the restoration of my family and marriage. This is easier said then done. You see in my past I always walked away when I was inconvenienced or there was no quick painless resolution. I tried to fix whatever it was myself. I didn't have time for whatever was causing me pain or suffering. However at this season in my life I feel paralyzed, not in the traditionally bad way, but in a positive way.

Reading  2 Chronicles 20:17 ( "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you." ), this reaffirms the message my mentors are recommending. As in this scripture and there are many more throughout the Bible referencing, for us not to defend ourselves or fight our own battles, but to let God do this for us. As a man this is somewhat trying as we are taught all our lives to fight for what we believe in i.e., our faith, our family, our country, ourselves. So giving something over to faith, that the results of the outcome is so monumental, appears impossible.

Yet many times through out the Bible we see this same reference, to "stand firm" in the face of apparently insurmountable odds or storms. Then sure as the sun rises, victory is claimed be the suffering. Whether it was freedom from slavery, death or sin, God prevailed for whoever stood firm believing in him.

So that brings the next question, what is a victory? Lately my victories are not as clear cut as winning the war, but more like winning a battle. For instance, my family and I will be going together tonight to church. Now this may not seem significant, but in my world it's a huge thing. Another is simply being able to find work, God has been blessing me with little jobs each day and again this is a victory. I have had no impulses or urges so this is considered a huge victory. that portion of the war is won and i feel will not be something I will have to battle again. Why? This battle caused too much suffering and pain, the result will haunt me forever, keeping me free from ever going through that door again.

Here is the struggle for me standing in the storm....the ONE person on this Earth that I feel I need the most to help get through this storm, can't help me. She has her own storm to struggle with. You see I am responsible for the my wife's struggles right now. I own that and she can't and wont be my partner through this. So you ask whats my struggle? Simple this brings up the feeling of abandonment. I have found that this is something that has been deeply rooted and I have suppressed all of my life. So by running from something in the past, I didn't allow myself to be abandoned. However, being paralyzed in this moment I am forced to address this issue. I fight the rejection, the anger, the depression. Who do I blame and try to direct these emotions at? Well they fall on my shoulders squarely, as much as I'd like to blame someone else, this is on me.

The fallout from the storm is a horrible reminder of my indiscretions and pain that have hurt and affected those around me. Yet I am reminded of 1 Corinthians 16:13 " Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong." God gives me spiritual purpose and my family gives me fleshly purpose. With my family mostly absent, I must lean on God and others he has surrounded me with, more than ever. These things are my struggles while standing in the storm. I pray that the storms end is near, so I can shout  Proverbs 10:25, " When the storm has swept by, the wicked are gone, but the righteous stand firm forever", from the tallest mountain.

Lets Pray: Heavenly Father thank you o Lord for another day. Thank you for the words and strength to share these thoughts with whoever are lead to read them. Lord Thank you for the little victories, as I pray that soon the storm will pass. I know when it does I will be victorious through you. I hope that this message rings true for many who read it. My prayer isn't just for me and my families healing. Bit for the many other I KNOW could use the healing, strength or support to take that next step. To admit, forgive or help heal someone close to them or even themselves. I pray they have there own little victories and those little battles will eventually through you become their own war being won. God I hope this prayer will touch just one person and give them faith that You will help them through their storm. Father, I close asking that you give all of us the strength to keep "standing firm" in our own storms and when we see our loved ones or friends in a storm that we stand with them. Showing them they are not alone and together, with God on that team, the battles and wars will be won. The Devils days are numbered, he has no domain here. My shield is strong, my sword is sharp and God you have placed other spiritual warriors around me to guard my weak spots. Together we will not bend, we will not fail, together we will overcome all that the devil may try. Father gives us strength to hold in the storm and Lord we WILL PRAISE YOU IN BOTH THE VICTORIES AND THE SETBACKS. Thank you God for all that you do, in Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Finding my New Purpose & Direction

So today has been a solid day of exploring my future in many aspects. First, praying about what God wants me to do to serve him. Will I be involved in a ministry? Second, what is His plan for my career? For this I am struggling with many issues. Lastly, what is Gods plan for my marriage and family. See most of these questions all hinge on my legal issues and there outcome. Still facing the unknown makes it hard to see clearly what direction I am to take, let alone the confidence to make a decision.

There are several supporting scriptures that I will share here and lets start with the legal issues:

Hebrews 13:6 ESV  

So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” 

Psalm 27:3 ESV 

Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. 

1 John 4:18 ESV 

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 

Now the lack of self esteem/ confidence:

Philippians 4:13 ESV 

I can do all things through him who strengthens me. 

Hebrews 10:35-36 ESV 

Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. 

Psalm 138:8 ESV 

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

 As you can see there are many supportive scriptures for my questions and honestly I could have added many more. So my spiritual side prays using these as reference to my compass. Yet the flesh is saying c'mon God, I know this is all in some plan, but I really need a hand here in pointing me the right way before I sink.
I think we all come to a cross roads in our lives, sometimes many of them through our journey. There are times these seasons are not to pressing and the outcome doesn't impact our lives tremendously. Then there are the "rest of our life decisions". The hardest time is when many of these are impacting us at the same time. We pray and don't really see the direction on the compass. Did we miss it? God did you send the helicopter, truck and boat and I just missed them all (a joke if you don't know it ask)?

If you are like me you do not want to make the same mistakes as your past. I almost think I need God to hit me with another board to get me going. Either that or I am to sit on the fence, like many other areas of my life until he prompts me in a direction. Well there is my problem, I have big issues with sitting on a fence and waiting. Don't get me wrong, I am patient. Just not big on waiting when I should be acting. For instance, what do I need to do to fix my marriage God? I keep hearing "Get out of the way". So here I am sitting on this fence, not knowing if I should go left or right.

See as a person who is so used to having answers, fixing things, being the "go to guy", this is way beyond difficult. I trust God shows me a way soon. I know he will, I am trying to be hyper vigilant not to miss the bus when it comes.

So lets pray:

Father God, thank you for all that you do in our lives. God we know you have a plan for each and every one of us. We ask that you show us the righteous path you want us to take. We ask that you grant us the patience to wait, the wisdom to see it when it comes and the strength to follow it as its presented. Lord as sinners we miss the boat on many occasions. I ask humbly ask that you allow us to be on board and our ticket be punched so we can live the wonderful life that you have designed for us. We ask that our fleshly wants, does not cause us confusion. So Lord guide us, give our families the strength to understand our struggles and help us serve and glorify you by taking the path you have so graciously designed. AMEN

I want to encourage comments and remarks, if you can associate with this blog and are not sure how to get back on the path God wants you to be, email me. I will never judge you, only encourage you. I do not know why God has placed this BLOG in my life, however I will faithfully follow through with it. Thank you for reading.

Forward

Where to begin......Well I guess to introduce myself. I am a mid 40's white male living in Austin, Texas for the last 5 years. Been married many times, have three children, had a great career, good family, nice house, etc....Now I am fighting for that and then some. I am fighting for my survival. I am fighting for my freedom. I am fighting for my family, for my identity, for my very salvation. This will be my story and I write it in hopes there are others out there who this may help. Others who will find some understanding, comfort and belief that not only are they not alone, but there is a future for them. Whether you are a man seeking hope, or a woman looking for some understanding. I hope this can provide you with that and more.

I grew up all over the United States western hemisphere. I come from a broken then blended family. My upbringing was what I thought to be normal. I grew up way to fast, but at the time knew no different. My parent’s idea of arming me for my future was to show me good work ethic and how to hunt, fish, work on cars, build things, clean and cook. I had no spiritual role models. Faith in our house was only to be a quiet thought. So all my life I knew there was something I was missing, just didn't know how to find it.

I graduated high school, moved out all before 18. Worked hard on a few jobs, and then went into Law Enforcement. My dream job. I soon married my high school sweetheart. I was on top of the world. Well within a few years my life began to unravel. I found my wife cheating with my supervisor and best friend (who was also married), I divorced, changed jobs (not careers) and I started on a path of self destruction. I went through marriages and relationships like water. If they didn't dump me for my attitude, I left at the first sign of trouble or I caused the relationship to implode. After several years of this I finally knew I needed help, so I started seeing a Christian Counselor. We only addressed the relationship issue; this later in life will be the start of a downward spiral of mega proportions.

So I stayed single for many years, not really dating much. I was still a "convenient Christian", meaning I would call on God to get me out of trouble, however dismiss Him as soon as I didn't need His help anymore. I did however find someone who I thought was going to be the "ONE". Well not long after getting married and having a son I found that wasn't the reality of things. I am still not sure what happened to his marriage, I think a combination of her not wanting to be married (missing single things and infidelity) or my trying so hard to fix it, eventually caused the divorce. So I am now about 30 y/o and have failed at every relationship I have attempted and changed careers to I.T. so that money wasn't an issue.

I refuse to fail my son. At this point I have a daughter out there by now who is about 8 or so years old. Through a series of trials and blunders I am not part of her life either at this point in my life. So I go back to school, work on building my relationship with my son and work hard. I do this for several years. About 4 years later I am reunited with my daughter. I am now again riding high on life. I am actually trying to walk in the light and do right by God. This too was not to last.

In 1995, I met my current wife. We at first had a rocky relationship, but I knew with no doubt God put her in my life. I however almost imploded this one before it got started by not closing some doors from my past. Our first wedding was cancelled due to this. After hard work and again, God worked on our lives. Now mind you our relationship was in no way built on the proper foundation. But God was working. She was not able to have a child, I wanted one more, and guess what? God gave us a wonderful daughter. This is when you would have thought I would have solidified my walk with God, well to be honest I still didn't get it.

Our relationship went on, our focus shifted from each other to our daughter. I truly believe she was the only reason we stayed married, God used her to bind us together (this is hindsight mind you). Well 4 years into our marriage, my wife had an episode, which nearly ended in tragedy. She went to a dark place and I almost lost her. At this point I was already working on imploding myself. We belonged to a great church and attended regularly. I however had found my attendance reduced to a history lesson or an obstruction in the way of lunch. I went to support my family. I was about to make everything a whole lot worse.

At the time I am in cyber contact with other women. Now only one stepped up and wanted more, however that wasn't my goal. I didn't want an actual relationship or sex. I wanted a reprieve. To be someone carefree and without responsibility. An escape if only for a few hours. My wife I felt checked out on me. I couldn't understand it. I was in a strange land with no friends. My son disowned me. My dad died. I was alone, my only solace was the hugs of a small little girl, my daughter.

A cold November morning a loud bang came at the door. I was asleep on the couch (my normal perch), my wife running from the bedroom saying the police were here, I said let them in. I hadn't a clue why they were there. Well it wasn't just the police, it was a SWAT team. Doing their job, they pointed guns at my wife and I submitting us to handcuffing. Well within just a few moments I knew.....they were here for me....and I knew why. My life just became a living hell, everything I had and took for granted, just came to an end. My fears and generational curses just came to light. I had become what I feared the most and never wanted to be.....a criminal.

You see, during my electronic cyber affairs (and yes they were adultery), I had received a series of pictures from one young lady, who at first was believed to be in college. These pictures were of her nude. Well she wasn't even 18 these men and women were here to arrest me on possession of child pornography. Then while I was in Jail my other online affair called my wife and told her she was my girlfriend and how our life was planned out etc...Needless to say, I screwed up big. While sitting in jail all I could think about is how is my family. My wife wasn't working, since her episode, which left me the bread winner. So all I could focus on was getting out so I could fix this.

Sitting in jail, not able to sleep, the food was horrible, it was cold, and my life was dismal. How did I get here? How can I get past this? I'm going to prison. I'm going to be a felon. A sex offender. A loser among losers. I have abandoned my family, my friends and everyone who ever cared for me. I begged my sister not to call my mom, she needed to hear this disappointing news from me. I feared she would fall over from heartache alone. My wife only visited twice to let me know what a disappointment I was and to find some sort of explanation. I had none, except to let her know this was on me and she didn't deserve it.

Well about a week into the jail scene, I noticed a man reading his Bible every morning. In the meager room they called a library I was able to find one also. I began writing my wife of how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I also jotted down scripture that meant something to me at that time. I had to hide these as I had no money to mail them and if the jailers found them they would have seized them or at least copied them for investigators. So I now had a new routine, every morning I read my bible and every Tuesday I went to the church service.

Every other day I would get news that I might be getting out, only to have my hopes dashed soon after for whatever reason. This was torment, I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting out. On top of everything else now I was falling into depression and having some minor chest pains (which I believed to be anxiety). Then almost 30 days after being incarcerated came some news. I actually might be getting out. My attorney was supposed to visit me that night. Seven came, then eight, etc...I finally lost it. At 11:45 PM on that December night I let was laying in bed, broken, lost, confused and angry. I remember the jail being so quiet that night. I started praying, at first out of anger then out of true despair. I didn't care who heard me, I knew that not only my cell but others could. No one interrupted or said anything. It seemed I prayed for an eternity, although it was probably only about 20 to 30 mins. I told God I was done. I could not take anymore. I gave it all to him and told him I needed to know if I was getting out or not. I didn't care which just stop the wishy washy crap and let me know. Within about 30 mins. After praying I felt peace and went to sleep knowing that the next day I would have my answer.

I woke, didn't really worry and at 10 AM the attorney call came. While walking to the room, I was a little nervous but still at peace. When I arrived he asked me if I had a pen? I knew...I knew right then God had answered my prayer and I was getting out. But this was just the beginning of not only prayers being answered but many many tests to come. So this is the daily Blog of someone whose victories, tests and trials are being shared so that others may not have to go through this pain and suffering. So they know they are not alone. So they know that there is Hope through Faith and the Savior Jesus Christ truly has our back.

Within 20 minutes I am free, I stop offer a quick thanks to God and off to get my truck. Knowing my wife has said if I show my face, she will shoot me, my truck was moved to my attorney’s office. Well during a quick inventory of all my possessions left on this planet (in my truck), I found a cell phone. The attorney’s assistant told me how he was called home on an emergency the night before as a gas leak had erupted at his residence. Hmmmmm....what are the odds? During my inventory, I discover $40 my wife left in my wallet for me. Dr. Pepper, Copenhagen and gas. That’s all I wanted. I now had to see if my job was still intact. I set out to a meeting with my company. On the road (over 2 hours) I called my wife to thank her, check on her and let her know I was out. I fell apart, the grief was overwhelming. Tears flowed like broken faucets. I hadn’t cried in 15+ years. I almost wrecked not being able to see. Now reality is really setting in. I am realizing just how much damage I have caused. During the call my wife tells me she doesn’t know when, if ever again, I will see our daughter. She is not responding well, having bad dreams, wetting accidents, etc..Again I have become a destroyer.

I arrive at my corporate office and after a short meeting, I find it is unsure whether I am still employed or not. My interviewer observed me break down and lose it as the grief overwhelmed me again. She offer me a book, it was a devotional from Joyce Meyer. I thanked her and left. I now was left wondering what now? I sold a few items for some quick cash, started immediately looking for some cash work. I stayed the first few nights in a hotel, thinking that the soft clean bed was the answer. Big mistake, I achieved no sleep and the emptiness of the room without my family made my hell worse. I had melt down after melt down. I discovered who my friends really were over the next few days. I found all but the Christians had labeled and abandoned me.

I kept on praying, wanting to see my family. I needed to see them, yet I knew I would probably not get to as my wife was still very very hurt and angry with me. Then on the second day I got to speak to my daughter. My prayer had been answered again. My daughter seemed excited to talk with me. It was only a few moments, but it was a ray of light in a dark place. I asked her to stop having accidents (potty) for me. I checked the next day and she had gone from several times a day wetting her pants to none, over night. Then my wife offered for me to meet them at McDonalds to see our daughter. I again was overwhelmed with Gods ability to hear and answer my prayers. Here it is only three days after release and I am seeing my family, whom I thought was lost forever. It was very emotional for all involved.

As the months went on I moved from sleeping in my truck to the couch of my wife’s new apartment. I am still struggling for work but able to see my family daily. My wife and I started going to marriage seminars, church regularly and getting connected. Everything was moving forward all in answer to prayer. About 30 days after release, a friend asked me "When did you really get it?" meaning my salvation. I told her that night in December and told her the story. The very next morning I was transferring those scriptures still, from my time in jail, into my Bible. The very first one the next morning was Galatians 3:23 "Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed."  I stopped...WOW! Suddenly a confirmation. You see, even though all the answered prayers, which I could not have influenced, I still sought a confirmation. I didn't even remember writing this verse down or remember reading it. And now after my conversation the night before it is the first scripture of the day to transfer into my Bible. A blind man could see this, A bookmaker wouldn't take odds on this and most people would not understand it. To me it was clear, God let me out of jail after I found Him and not until. It all made sense now.

Well we continued our healing process, I began "The Love Dare" as part of my transition into a new man. You see my wife needed me to be a spiritual leader, a true man and husband and honestly I failed miserably in the past at all of this including being a father. You see this journey is teaching me more than just how to be a Christian. It’s how to truly Love, how to be a husband and a father. I'm finding out things I should have been doing and should not have been doing all my life. Who would think I had it so wrong. I also started seeing a certified sex offender councilor on my own. She is a Christian so I can learn about my mistakes in order not to repeat them. I learned that most of my childhood I do not remember. I don't remember many times of crisis in my life either. I have a reading list most literaries would be proud of and I have discovered a few things in my studies also. Most of which I will talk about later. 

So now to the trials, not like this wasn't enough so far right? Well God isn't done, about a month ago, my wife started becoming different. She became offended easily, she was pulling away and our prayer time, family time and everything else quickly became history. What’s happening? She finally asks me to move out as she says she needs space to start her healing process. That she is now grieving over the events and that she needs time to deal with these. Well right from Chapter 8 of John Bevere's "Bait of Satan" my world was being rocked. I became offended, I am again being abandoned. Is this Gods plan? He shows me what I could have had only to rip it away? I prayed reassuring him I needed no reminder of my errors. Nothing I could say or do was helping. She would tell me God is telling her this, where can I support that in scripture? I can’t so now I am more offended. Then she limits my access to my daughter, another offense. This time though my new found men of faith support team came and calmed me down. They explained how this is the Devil testing my resolve and using the exact buttons to attempt to shake my faith. They successfully talk me off the proverbial ledge. However before they got there I knew I needed to get a hold of myself, so I sat down and started reading Romans. This book I think anyone with a crisis in their life can identify with, it is very interesting.

Currently I am back in my truck, seeing my daughter on a schedule. Still looking for work, still praying God will restore my marriage and family. That he gives me strength as I still have some legal issues to attend to, which is another story.  I will try to daily not only share the setbacks but also the victories, no matter how small or large they might be. I can only say that without God, I could not and would not have the strength to handle this. If any of you knew me before all this, you wouldn't recognize me now. I have no confidence, no fight, and struggle daily with normal events. However I am thankful I have the freedom to worship and awesome God, I have faith that restoration will occur and that God will see me through all that I have ahead. I will also share books that may help you and of course prayer that may assist you in your quest. 

[Today's Prayer]: Father God, please watch over all who read this, help them find what it is they are searching for. Help them reach out for help without hesitation and before it destroys another life. Sexual sin is real and it is so abundant. Lord we ask that you life those not only suffering from its effects, but the forgotten families who also share in the pain and destruction. Lord we humbly ask that you help those identify with this Blog and let them know they are not alone. The temptation, the pain, the sin is all real. Only you Father God have the answer. Father I ask that those who do not know you develop a curiosity for you. If they are afraid, help them not to be. I ask the Holy Spirit finds them and comforts them. I pray that this Blog may serve you Lord and that I can help in any way I am here. All they have to do is ask. Lord you know I will never judge as that is not my role and of course I have no moral right either. So Lord I ask for you to continue to Bless all who need you, Bless all who want you and Bless all who Love you. Lord watch over my family, my friends and of course I need your assistance too. Thank you for all that you do and you’re Son dying for our sins, in Jesus name, Amen.