Marriage Missions International (a Christian based site) states the following: “When you forgive someone, you make a choice to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after He forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they are pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved — it’s a gift to us from God.” “If you decide to forgive your spouse, you can never use their sin against them. God will give you the strength to start a new life together. If you choose not to forgive, if you want to hold on to the pain, or punish them, and keep their wound open, that will be your choice. But if you choose that, you probably won't stay married. You have biblical grounds to divorce, but you don’t have to. It is your decision." Heb 8:12, "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more."
Wow...that is profound, and I feel accurate. See my wife has spoke the words of forgiveness, yet she is still in the stages of forgiving. When we hurt someone bad enough, the flesh allows us to harbor that pain and sometimes use the offense against us. I wait patiently for God to work his miracles and I pray my wifes heart softens to Him. Of course the enemy does not want this, because that means God wins again and remember Satan's goal is death and destruction, not life. We are surrounded by good Christian families who have experienced pain, as we are now, and they survived it. They give witness to Gods power and this will help breathe life into our marriage if we let them. For me to forgive her for her transgressions seemed much easier, only because what I went through forced me to see what I really do have and in my mind I truly lost it all and God gave it back after prayer. I don't pretend to know what her perspective is and she has not really shared it to this point.
So what about the trust? Well as failures and sinners, we will disappoint our spouses over and over. John Bevere in "The Bait of Satan" states, that our spouses, as they are closest to us and we tend to hold them to a higher expectation, then say a peer, can offend us more often and much deeper. This is not the way it should be as our expectations of everyone around us should be the same, no matter how close to us they are. Yesterday I wrote about the fact I will fail, it is a certainty. So I have to trust in God, much as she will have to learn to, that He will not allow her to hurt me again and she must do the same. See we will disappoint each other, relying just on the flesh. But with Jesus showing us the way, we can Love much deeper as our guide through life is perfect and as long as we trust in Him, our journey will be much smoother and fulfilling.
Forgiveness is the first step. You must believe that God will heal you and He is in control. He wants your marriage to succeed. He surrounds you with like minded Christians who have vested interests in you as a couple. Be very careful of the people who will speak poison into your life. Now these are not bad people, they just may have other motivations for their words other than scriptural or Godly advice. They may be getting divorced, had a recent bad relationship, or even some other sort of suffering. Our families are also dangerous in these situations as they will undoubtedly have an interest in our healing and not that of the marriage. They mean well but are not always the best counselors. Counselors are just that, they give advice, they are not always in the full understanding of the situation as they are often hearing one side not both. So heed their advice, but I would also seek other Christian mentoring advice to make sure you are making the wisest decisions. If they all agree for the most part and scripture backs what has been said, then its a safe bet to go that route. If not maybe more prayer is needed before making that decision or statement.
We must all be very careful here in understanding that God has a plan. We will not be able to manipulate that plan in any way. They only thing we will do is cause more pain, for ourselves and for others. Now God did give us free will. So we must seek His council before making any decisions. Seek his voice and input on the subject. He can heal, he can help, you must be willing to not only let go, but to open up to Him. He sends us help in the form of others at times, so open up to them in His stead. Remember the man who passed on the truck, the boat and the helicopter during the floods. His comment was God will save me to his rescuers. God said what else did you want me to do, I sent a truck, boat and helicopter. We should keep our hearts and minds open for his help. He is trying but we have to be ready.
"The Love Dare" speaks of a set of decisions you must make before even addressing the recovery. You must decide your ground rules. For instance, mine was to pray about every decision, never speak of divorce as it is not an option, never allow myself to be offended by being reminded of my own actions, and to do whatever it takes to save my marriage and family. Eph 4:26-27,31, "In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." I have certain areas I will not allow myself to entertain as the end result is does not align with my goal. Remember its not how we run the race but how we finish. We want that to be in Gods favor. My wife Loves me, there is no doubt, she is just struggling with the hurt and pain, bottling it up until she expresses it in anger and disgust. I however have made myself speak regularly with brothers in Christ (something very hard for me and new) to try and take the power away from the offense. To help me not to be bitter, not to anger and to choose life, Love and marriage. One very helpful tool, was when a brother told me to pretend I was talking to the Father when speaking to my wife.That way my tone is of Love and my words are of affection. I know God wants us to save this marriage. It has been revealed to me in many ways since my release. I just pray that the spiritual side overcomes the fleshly side of my wife so she too may see what God is speaking.
Now I revealed quite a bit here about my perspective of what is happening and what I am facing in my relationship and some of the things i have discovered along this journey. I am not a counselor and I know each of you will be dealing with different issues. I just hope this can help you with understanding your not alone and the need to surround yourselves with Godly people that have vested interests in your marriage. Read anything you can get your hands on that may assist in your healing. However I truly feel getting connected helps more than anything, as you both can see your not alone and God can heal. No offense (sin) is greater than the other, as they are just Sin in the eyes of God. (James 2:10 "For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one [point], he is guilty of all.") Remember, we are all sinners and we will fail, but with Jesus Christ in your hearts, the enemy has no chance in stopping the restoration of your marriage or relationship. Anything to the contrary is the enemy speaking to you and not of God. Gods purpose for us is to Love, not to divorce and to lead a life filled with the Holy Spirit.
Lets pray: Heavenly Father, please forgive all of us for our transgressions and help those we have offended truly forgive us also. Jesus help us follow the path of your father design. Help us see that forgiveness not only strengthens our relationship with you, but with our spouse. God give us the strength to forgive not only those we offended or offended us, but ourselves. Sometimes this is the hardest area to forgive. Lord we know that you created us to Love, that you do not want divorce, Lord we ask you give us the strength and fortitude to be resolute in our journey to restore our marriages. We know this is what your will is Lord. We ask that you surround us with like minded Christians who believe in your healing power and that you work through them to heal this relationship.
Father God I have a special prayer for my friend J today. His father in law is struggling with addiction and now separated from his wife. Lord reach down and give J the strength to speak to his father in law and let him know he is loved. Let him know that as the leader (husband, father, grandfather) that all eyes are on him at this moment. Only to see his response in his failure as these eyes will be learning from his choices right now. They Love him no mater what but Lord give him the strength to shake off this affliction, resurrect his marriage and retake his place as spiritual leader in that family. Father I know the whole family is suffering and J is being called to take a huge step by speaking to his father in law. But i know with you he will be victorious. Then surround his father in law with Godly servants to keep him strong and allow healing in that family. God thank you for all that you do in our lives and the many undeserved blessing you rain down upon us. God I will continue to strive to walk in the path you have laid before me and I only hope I can serve you to help others find you.....AMEN
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