Forward

Where to begin......Well I guess to introduce myself. I am a mid 40's white male living in Austin, Texas for the last 5 years. Been married many times, have three children, had a great career, good family, nice house, etc....Now I am fighting for that and then some. I am fighting for my survival. I am fighting for my freedom. I am fighting for my family, for my identity, for my very salvation. This will be my story and I write it in hopes there are others out there who this may help. Others who will find some understanding, comfort and belief that not only are they not alone, but there is a future for them. Whether you are a man seeking hope, or a woman looking for some understanding. I hope this can provide you with that and more.

I grew up all over the United States western hemisphere. I come from a broken then blended family. My upbringing was what I thought to be normal. I grew up way to fast, but at the time knew no different. My parent’s idea of arming me for my future was to show me good work ethic and how to hunt, fish, work on cars, build things, clean and cook. I had no spiritual role models. Faith in our house was only to be a quiet thought. So all my life I knew there was something I was missing, just didn't know how to find it.

I graduated high school, moved out all before 18. Worked hard on a few jobs, and then went into Law Enforcement. My dream job. I soon married my high school sweetheart. I was on top of the world. Well within a few years my life began to unravel. I found my wife cheating with my supervisor and best friend (who was also married), I divorced, changed jobs (not careers) and I started on a path of self destruction. I went through marriages and relationships like water. If they didn't dump me for my attitude, I left at the first sign of trouble or I caused the relationship to implode. After several years of this I finally knew I needed help, so I started seeing a Christian Counselor. We only addressed the relationship issue; this later in life will be the start of a downward spiral of mega proportions.

So I stayed single for many years, not really dating much. I was still a "convenient Christian", meaning I would call on God to get me out of trouble, however dismiss Him as soon as I didn't need His help anymore. I did however find someone who I thought was going to be the "ONE". Well not long after getting married and having a son I found that wasn't the reality of things. I am still not sure what happened to his marriage, I think a combination of her not wanting to be married (missing single things and infidelity) or my trying so hard to fix it, eventually caused the divorce. So I am now about 30 y/o and have failed at every relationship I have attempted and changed careers to I.T. so that money wasn't an issue.

I refuse to fail my son. At this point I have a daughter out there by now who is about 8 or so years old. Through a series of trials and blunders I am not part of her life either at this point in my life. So I go back to school, work on building my relationship with my son and work hard. I do this for several years. About 4 years later I am reunited with my daughter. I am now again riding high on life. I am actually trying to walk in the light and do right by God. This too was not to last.

In 1995, I met my current wife. We at first had a rocky relationship, but I knew with no doubt God put her in my life. I however almost imploded this one before it got started by not closing some doors from my past. Our first wedding was cancelled due to this. After hard work and again, God worked on our lives. Now mind you our relationship was in no way built on the proper foundation. But God was working. She was not able to have a child, I wanted one more, and guess what? God gave us a wonderful daughter. This is when you would have thought I would have solidified my walk with God, well to be honest I still didn't get it.

Our relationship went on, our focus shifted from each other to our daughter. I truly believe she was the only reason we stayed married, God used her to bind us together (this is hindsight mind you). Well 4 years into our marriage, my wife had an episode, which nearly ended in tragedy. She went to a dark place and I almost lost her. At this point I was already working on imploding myself. We belonged to a great church and attended regularly. I however had found my attendance reduced to a history lesson or an obstruction in the way of lunch. I went to support my family. I was about to make everything a whole lot worse.

At the time I am in cyber contact with other women. Now only one stepped up and wanted more, however that wasn't my goal. I didn't want an actual relationship or sex. I wanted a reprieve. To be someone carefree and without responsibility. An escape if only for a few hours. My wife I felt checked out on me. I couldn't understand it. I was in a strange land with no friends. My son disowned me. My dad died. I was alone, my only solace was the hugs of a small little girl, my daughter.

A cold November morning a loud bang came at the door. I was asleep on the couch (my normal perch), my wife running from the bedroom saying the police were here, I said let them in. I hadn't a clue why they were there. Well it wasn't just the police, it was a SWAT team. Doing their job, they pointed guns at my wife and I submitting us to handcuffing. Well within just a few moments I knew.....they were here for me....and I knew why. My life just became a living hell, everything I had and took for granted, just came to an end. My fears and generational curses just came to light. I had become what I feared the most and never wanted to be.....a criminal.

You see, during my electronic cyber affairs (and yes they were adultery), I had received a series of pictures from one young lady, who at first was believed to be in college. These pictures were of her nude. Well she wasn't even 18 these men and women were here to arrest me on possession of child pornography. Then while I was in Jail my other online affair called my wife and told her she was my girlfriend and how our life was planned out etc...Needless to say, I screwed up big. While sitting in jail all I could think about is how is my family. My wife wasn't working, since her episode, which left me the bread winner. So all I could focus on was getting out so I could fix this.

Sitting in jail, not able to sleep, the food was horrible, it was cold, and my life was dismal. How did I get here? How can I get past this? I'm going to prison. I'm going to be a felon. A sex offender. A loser among losers. I have abandoned my family, my friends and everyone who ever cared for me. I begged my sister not to call my mom, she needed to hear this disappointing news from me. I feared she would fall over from heartache alone. My wife only visited twice to let me know what a disappointment I was and to find some sort of explanation. I had none, except to let her know this was on me and she didn't deserve it.

Well about a week into the jail scene, I noticed a man reading his Bible every morning. In the meager room they called a library I was able to find one also. I began writing my wife of how I was feeling and what I was thinking. I also jotted down scripture that meant something to me at that time. I had to hide these as I had no money to mail them and if the jailers found them they would have seized them or at least copied them for investigators. So I now had a new routine, every morning I read my bible and every Tuesday I went to the church service.

Every other day I would get news that I might be getting out, only to have my hopes dashed soon after for whatever reason. This was torment, I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting out. On top of everything else now I was falling into depression and having some minor chest pains (which I believed to be anxiety). Then almost 30 days after being incarcerated came some news. I actually might be getting out. My attorney was supposed to visit me that night. Seven came, then eight, etc...I finally lost it. At 11:45 PM on that December night I let was laying in bed, broken, lost, confused and angry. I remember the jail being so quiet that night. I started praying, at first out of anger then out of true despair. I didn't care who heard me, I knew that not only my cell but others could. No one interrupted or said anything. It seemed I prayed for an eternity, although it was probably only about 20 to 30 mins. I told God I was done. I could not take anymore. I gave it all to him and told him I needed to know if I was getting out or not. I didn't care which just stop the wishy washy crap and let me know. Within about 30 mins. After praying I felt peace and went to sleep knowing that the next day I would have my answer.

I woke, didn't really worry and at 10 AM the attorney call came. While walking to the room, I was a little nervous but still at peace. When I arrived he asked me if I had a pen? I knew...I knew right then God had answered my prayer and I was getting out. But this was just the beginning of not only prayers being answered but many many tests to come. So this is the daily Blog of someone whose victories, tests and trials are being shared so that others may not have to go through this pain and suffering. So they know they are not alone. So they know that there is Hope through Faith and the Savior Jesus Christ truly has our back.

Within 20 minutes I am free, I stop offer a quick thanks to God and off to get my truck. Knowing my wife has said if I show my face, she will shoot me, my truck was moved to my attorney’s office. Well during a quick inventory of all my possessions left on this planet (in my truck), I found a cell phone. The attorney’s assistant told me how he was called home on an emergency the night before as a gas leak had erupted at his residence. Hmmmmm....what are the odds? During my inventory, I discover $40 my wife left in my wallet for me. Dr. Pepper, Copenhagen and gas. That’s all I wanted. I now had to see if my job was still intact. I set out to a meeting with my company. On the road (over 2 hours) I called my wife to thank her, check on her and let her know I was out. I fell apart, the grief was overwhelming. Tears flowed like broken faucets. I hadn’t cried in 15+ years. I almost wrecked not being able to see. Now reality is really setting in. I am realizing just how much damage I have caused. During the call my wife tells me she doesn’t know when, if ever again, I will see our daughter. She is not responding well, having bad dreams, wetting accidents, etc..Again I have become a destroyer.

I arrive at my corporate office and after a short meeting, I find it is unsure whether I am still employed or not. My interviewer observed me break down and lose it as the grief overwhelmed me again. She offer me a book, it was a devotional from Joyce Meyer. I thanked her and left. I now was left wondering what now? I sold a few items for some quick cash, started immediately looking for some cash work. I stayed the first few nights in a hotel, thinking that the soft clean bed was the answer. Big mistake, I achieved no sleep and the emptiness of the room without my family made my hell worse. I had melt down after melt down. I discovered who my friends really were over the next few days. I found all but the Christians had labeled and abandoned me.

I kept on praying, wanting to see my family. I needed to see them, yet I knew I would probably not get to as my wife was still very very hurt and angry with me. Then on the second day I got to speak to my daughter. My prayer had been answered again. My daughter seemed excited to talk with me. It was only a few moments, but it was a ray of light in a dark place. I asked her to stop having accidents (potty) for me. I checked the next day and she had gone from several times a day wetting her pants to none, over night. Then my wife offered for me to meet them at McDonalds to see our daughter. I again was overwhelmed with Gods ability to hear and answer my prayers. Here it is only three days after release and I am seeing my family, whom I thought was lost forever. It was very emotional for all involved.

As the months went on I moved from sleeping in my truck to the couch of my wife’s new apartment. I am still struggling for work but able to see my family daily. My wife and I started going to marriage seminars, church regularly and getting connected. Everything was moving forward all in answer to prayer. About 30 days after release, a friend asked me "When did you really get it?" meaning my salvation. I told her that night in December and told her the story. The very next morning I was transferring those scriptures still, from my time in jail, into my Bible. The very first one the next morning was Galatians 3:23 "Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed."  I stopped...WOW! Suddenly a confirmation. You see, even though all the answered prayers, which I could not have influenced, I still sought a confirmation. I didn't even remember writing this verse down or remember reading it. And now after my conversation the night before it is the first scripture of the day to transfer into my Bible. A blind man could see this, A bookmaker wouldn't take odds on this and most people would not understand it. To me it was clear, God let me out of jail after I found Him and not until. It all made sense now.

Well we continued our healing process, I began "The Love Dare" as part of my transition into a new man. You see my wife needed me to be a spiritual leader, a true man and husband and honestly I failed miserably in the past at all of this including being a father. You see this journey is teaching me more than just how to be a Christian. It’s how to truly Love, how to be a husband and a father. I'm finding out things I should have been doing and should not have been doing all my life. Who would think I had it so wrong. I also started seeing a certified sex offender councilor on my own. She is a Christian so I can learn about my mistakes in order not to repeat them. I learned that most of my childhood I do not remember. I don't remember many times of crisis in my life either. I have a reading list most literaries would be proud of and I have discovered a few things in my studies also. Most of which I will talk about later. 

So now to the trials, not like this wasn't enough so far right? Well God isn't done, about a month ago, my wife started becoming different. She became offended easily, she was pulling away and our prayer time, family time and everything else quickly became history. What’s happening? She finally asks me to move out as she says she needs space to start her healing process. That she is now grieving over the events and that she needs time to deal with these. Well right from Chapter 8 of John Bevere's "Bait of Satan" my world was being rocked. I became offended, I am again being abandoned. Is this Gods plan? He shows me what I could have had only to rip it away? I prayed reassuring him I needed no reminder of my errors. Nothing I could say or do was helping. She would tell me God is telling her this, where can I support that in scripture? I can’t so now I am more offended. Then she limits my access to my daughter, another offense. This time though my new found men of faith support team came and calmed me down. They explained how this is the Devil testing my resolve and using the exact buttons to attempt to shake my faith. They successfully talk me off the proverbial ledge. However before they got there I knew I needed to get a hold of myself, so I sat down and started reading Romans. This book I think anyone with a crisis in their life can identify with, it is very interesting.

Currently I am back in my truck, seeing my daughter on a schedule. Still looking for work, still praying God will restore my marriage and family. That he gives me strength as I still have some legal issues to attend to, which is another story.  I will try to daily not only share the setbacks but also the victories, no matter how small or large they might be. I can only say that without God, I could not and would not have the strength to handle this. If any of you knew me before all this, you wouldn't recognize me now. I have no confidence, no fight, and struggle daily with normal events. However I am thankful I have the freedom to worship and awesome God, I have faith that restoration will occur and that God will see me through all that I have ahead. I will also share books that may help you and of course prayer that may assist you in your quest. 

[Today's Prayer]: Father God, please watch over all who read this, help them find what it is they are searching for. Help them reach out for help without hesitation and before it destroys another life. Sexual sin is real and it is so abundant. Lord we ask that you life those not only suffering from its effects, but the forgotten families who also share in the pain and destruction. Lord we humbly ask that you help those identify with this Blog and let them know they are not alone. The temptation, the pain, the sin is all real. Only you Father God have the answer. Father I ask that those who do not know you develop a curiosity for you. If they are afraid, help them not to be. I ask the Holy Spirit finds them and comforts them. I pray that this Blog may serve you Lord and that I can help in any way I am here. All they have to do is ask. Lord you know I will never judge as that is not my role and of course I have no moral right either. So Lord I ask for you to continue to Bless all who need you, Bless all who want you and Bless all who Love you. Lord watch over my family, my friends and of course I need your assistance too. Thank you for all that you do and you’re Son dying for our sins, in Jesus name, Amen.