An Apology & An Act of Love

Philippians 2:1-11, Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of Love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

This passage personifies my my weekend and in some way glorifies it and in others gives God no glory. Let me start by saying I am angry. God is not guiding my thoughts here today, I am. My goal today is two fold, explain to EVERYONE what happened this weekend and the traps that snared me and then APOLOGIZE to EVERYONE also for my actions.  This verse from Philippians is how I should have responded, and no matter my intentions the enemy won this weekend and destroyed a little more of what I was working towards. I also need to mention that at this point I may not be writing this daily. I am not sure when I will post new entries, so you can either sign up for email updates on the right or twitter.

 I am 100% responsible for the actions of this weekend as God clearly states I am responsible for what happens in my house. Acts 5 shows us that a Husband and a Wife are responsible equally for what occurs in their home as they are in everything they share. Although God makes it very clear that the Husband is ultimately responsible for the events in his house. 1 Timothy 3:12, "must be husbands of only one wife, and good managers of their children and their own households." Acts of Love were clearly mistaken for selfishness and the enemy used them as he wanted, over and over. So I am here to say to my wife, I am sorry for how this weekend turned out. The enemy won this weekend and for that I am sorry. Everyone including our daughter lost. I am sorry for my actions, and the results of the weekend. In front of the world I release you in writing and give you the freedom you desire. I pray for your happiness and I step away. This blog entry will be the last time my wife will ever be mentioned, to clarify this is also meant as an act of Love. I will continue to pray over my family.

I am also angry with God. I may be impatient in some manner, but I feel He has not stepped in when called. I feel as if He has left me standing in this storm now I feel abandoned by even Him. I am not saying He has, this is how I feel. Philippians 4:19, But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. I have a specific need that I have shared with my God. He still does not grant it. So in turn I feel angry and used. Deep down I know different, but it doesn't change the fact. I have jealousy in my heart as I see other married couples, one spouse will abuse the relationship over and over yet they still are given forgiveness and they keep their family. Yet, I stand after a big mistake and end up standing alone, what does this say? God has shown me one thing and here I stand without even a hint of this coming true. This morning i heard about a couple divorced for 40 years, remarried over the weekend. My vision had no separation, but I felt God saying I need to do that to show Love. My vision showed no Divorce, yet it will be final in about 30 days. Where is God now? If I hear one more person tell me about free will, I will probably puke. You see I know God can redirect free will, there is clear scripture supporting it. So what am I supposed to learn from all of this? I have absolutely, no idea. All I get is silence from God and those who matter, well the silence is deafening and sometimes the lack of action speaks volumes (The Greek scholar and Monk Rufinus in 398 wrote in the "Apology of Jerome", "If that is the cause of discord between us, I can submit to death, but not to silence.), while letting the enemy gain a foothold.

I am left with little or no hope, wavering faith and the enemy gaining ground daily. Most cannot understand what I speak of unless they have experienced, or are experiencing this same issue. I pray, with no response, I continue to stand and gain no ground. Why? What am I supposed to do? How? When? GIVE ME SOMETHING GOD!!!!! I was so frustrated I went and drank alcohol Saturday night to the point of passing out. Now I know it isn't going to solve anything, that wasn't the point. I needed to be numb to sleep. See I only receive about two hours of sleep a night. So after ingesting a little alcohol I slept for 6 hours. Now I would never recommend this behavior and I am in no way justifying it, just letting the readers know of another pitfall. I could have easily got into all kinds of trouble, had I driven, or other things. But the enemy won that day and Sunday.

Apologies: I ask for my Wife's forgiveness, for my behavior my lack of understanding and for not having anything left in me to fight. I ask for her forgiveness for the things I have brought to the door step. I give her forgiveness for her actions and behaviors. She need not ask. I ask for my Churches forgiveness as I cannot hold them responsible for any of my emotions. 

Let's Pray: Father God, I ask for your forgiveness Father. I ask for You to forgive me for my lack of Hope, Faith and Love. Father I have no Hope left. I have very little Faith left and My Love has been reduced to very little. Father forgive me for the anger I have towards You and all involved. Father I no longer pray for anything other than to hear Your voice and give me direction. I ask You to protect my children. I ask You grant me strength to find my way. I ask for Your direction Father and You restore my Hope, Faith and Love. Father give me the strength to face my future alone. I am afraid. I am empty. I have nothing left Father. I need understanding why You have let it all be stripped away again, leaving me standing naked and empty. My pain is beyond words and beyond measure. I cannot take anymore disdain and contempt in my life from anyone. Father I am done, SHOW ME MY PATH in this world. I no longer believe the things I once believed. If You meant them, that is up to You to produce. I only have today, right now. I do not look to tomorrow as I have no assurances it will come. Father my new focus is to Love You. To Love my Children and to try to gain strength and understanding. Father I Thank You for the ability to share this journey and insight with the world and if You want it to continue and it is truly helping people, I will be waiting for a sign. Until then it will remain without words after today. Father I Thank You for giving me beautiful children. Forgive me for releasing my wife. I Loved her too much to keep her. I honour my covenant with You Father and I will stand for that. Father I thank You for all that You have done in my life and what You will do in the future. I ask these things in Jesus sweet name...AMEN.