A Heart Conflicted

James 4:1-10, 1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.4You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?^a 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”^b 7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. 

It came to me last night in the little sleep I received why I am so tormented. The above scripture says gives a high level example of the cause and the cure. The following reasons cause this, my heart is so full of Love that it is bursting, yet the person it is intended for cannot and does not want it, therefore my heart is exploding. I give God, my Children, my friends and those around me all I can. The rest is intended for one person. So much like a heart attack, the heart dies just a little with each tear. This is the conflict of my heart. 

My existence is a quarrel right now, my heart cannot have what it wants, I ask yet do not receive, I am grieving and wailing looking for Christ to cause the devil to flee from me, so that I may be lifted up. This is all caused from my treachery and I have spent months attempting to show the depths of my apology. My attempts are feeble as the intended person cannot see past the offense. I have spent the last several days trying to turn it over to God. The enemy does not want this to happen. He wants me to stumble, he wants me to revert to my old self. To give in and walk away like I have in my past, and to be honest I feel as if there are individuals who want this too. He wants me to deny Christ and take the bait he is placing all around me. The funny thing is even other Christians near me have noticed how bold Satan has become to get me to slip and take the bait. I refuse to let anyone claim victory in my failure, therefore I cannot fail in my endeavor. 

Yesterday I wrote about the pleas of Job. This message is part of that same plea. It explains why I cry out to my God. My conflict could not hurt deeper. It could not drain me anymore. I just pray God answers soon as I do not want to become bitter, angry or hardened. I was there once before and I do not want to go back. I see these people all around me, callous acts and viral tongues. I pray for those and try to show them Love also. I do not wish to become like them. I want to Love and I need God to restore me so I can continue my mission. He knows my needs to do this, I am waiting and not sure how long I have before my vessel sinks beneath the waves. But I still wait.

As Christians you can see that we have struggles like any other. The difference is I believe ours are more intense at times because we recognize the powers against us. Which forces us to fight at a much higher level. Without Christ none of this is possible. We would not have the understanding nor the energy for the fight. We would cave and become like those around us. I am fighting not to become that which I have described. I feel I have caused some to fall into that trap. For that I beg for God to release them and restore them. I pray that you see that there are others with similar troubles and struggles. We must continue to fight, until that day God calls us home. I will fight until my last breathe for my God, my belief and my family. Only through God can I make this claim and only through Him can I be healed, restored and strengthened to be able to accomplish this.

Lets Pray: Father God, please forgive us of our sins, our hard hearts Lord. Please show us how to soften them once again and return to your glory. Lord show me how to release my heart. Show the enemy we are out of his reach. Defend us O Lord, give us your shield of glory so we may remain in the battle. Today Lord we claim victory Father in our conflicts and suffering, in your sweet name Jesus. With your conviction and power we command the evil spirits to leave our lives for good never to get a foothold again. Father grant us these prayers so we may have the strength to glorify You. Father we thank You for Your Love and all that you do in our lives. You truly know what AGAPE is and we can only pray to experience it. We ask all this in the name of Jesus our Lord.....AMEN.