Today this scripture doesn't feel as if it rings true in my life. Today I feel as if the sacrifices to save my marriage is costing me much more than I can afford. I feel as if the enemy is gaining ground, even though I keep hearing the Lord has a better plan, I am about to be blessed and so on. I am just a man, I only have so much stamina. I asked God to step in the other day and I felt he did. Yet I still suffer from a lingering attack. It is very hard not to give up and surrender to the will of my enemy.
Let me share, this week an incident happened that took time away from my work day. My company decided to separate employment due to this time away. Now I am not blaming the company for their action, as I understand it is a business. I am however saying that the time I spent fighting the enemy for my beloved marriage has been used against me. I have to ask why? I have to ask how much more can I stand? How much more sacrifice is required of me? I stand in the storm, through all the adversity and ridicule. Yet the one person that needs to see it, doesn't. The attacks come and I stand only backing up a few times to regroup and form a defensive posture again. Barrage after barrage being lobbed in my direction and yet no forward movement. Only more heartache and suffering. 1 Peter 4:12, Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you.
I read the scriptures, with a saddened broken heart. I feel as if I am about to be a victim of free will and can do nothing to stop it. So now the questions cross my mind why did or do I try? What truly does God want? I believe I have written His words here for the last two months. I feel I have walked the path He has directed me over since last year. Done all he asked, given selflessly, tried to be the man God intended me to be, not for myself. I did it to honor God, my wife and my family and friends, who I had dishonored in the past. The thoughts that run through my mind are; Does God even care that I am doing this? Does he intend to help me by moving me in the direction I am supposed to be anytime soon? The people I care the most to honor are blinded to my actions and growth. So now I am left to wonder, why am I actually fighting? Well I know that is the enemy and he is using a very tempting tool right now. Luke 4:13, And when the devil had ended every [the complete cycle of] temptation, he [temporarily] left Him [that is, stood off from Him] until another more opportune and favorable time.
For those of you wondering if I'm giving up, the answer is a thunderous NO. I will continue to fight until my last breath and He takes me home (James 1:12, Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him.) I just don't know where to draw the strength from right now. I don't know how I can continue as the battle lines are blurry now. The enemy is sending all the demons at me now, anger, loneliness, frustration, selfishness, etc....I am able to fight them off, yet the enemy makes them very appealing. I will stand here until the lights go out. I don't know how or even why at times, other than God has asked me too. Whether I can see the light right now or not, I feel my only choice is the one I have made. Isaiah 54:15 - If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you.
I write this so that all of you may see the realism of struggle and life. Hebrews 2:18, Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested. I pray for each of you that you do not travel this lonely path I am on. Identify your demons now, reach to God for there removal and save your relationships, livelihood and even your salvation. For those of you who may have already traveled into this battlefield, you are not alone. The war zone is immense but we are on it together. There are many soldiers here to help defend and fight (Deuteronomy 20:4 - For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.) All you must do is reach out. Together we can take the fight to the enemy. But there will be times you will feel like your standing alone, prepare your armor. Strengthen your heart and mind with the Word. God will show us our purpose in time, sometimes in the thick of battle, this is hard to remember.
Let's Pray: Father God, please protect us from the enemy. Father please forgive us of our sins and renew our weakened spirit from battle. Lord, we pray you send reinforcements so we can rest from the fight Lord. Father I ask for victory in this war be declared for each and every one of us and the battlefield be cleared of the enemy. Father we know you can smite the enemy at anytime. We pray this time is near Father. Father God, Thank You for your grace and Love. Father Thank You for all you do in our lives. Father let us Honor You and to those we Love and care about, let our sacrifices not go unnoticed. Father we ask this in Jesus name....AMEN.
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